:: Fear Continues to Rage On ::
so i did it again. i freaked out because i am afraid of things that aren’t going to hurt me.
last night, i resolved to shower in the outside shower. our inside one is right next to my parents’ room and my mom goes to bed early. so it was a practical decision, but i also decided to overcome the fear of our backyard at night, which has plagued me for as long as i can remember.
i mean, it’s fenced in for chrissakes, and i have a new philoSophie about co-existence with bugs. so i am going to shower out there dammit. this is what i thought, and anyway, the air con inside was making me feel cold and artificial. i am not going to become disembodied by my own fear.
so i got my towel, grabbed some face wash and headed out. when i reached the sun room, i became trapped like in purgatory. i turned on the light. (i am not calm enough to go out there in the dark yet.) bugs swarmed the little lantern outside the door. i turned back to go inside the house. anyway, Sumi is still awake. i can hear her watching Korean soap operas, i told my self. but i just stood there, unable to move, frozen with conflict. my mind was making excuses and my body was telling me as such.
it took me awhile, but i just stood there and breathed. and when my mind and my body finally came to terms with each other, i walked out to the outside shower.
it turns out that there was only one bug in there (besides my self) and it was one of those huge female mosquitos. i’m told they don’t bite anyway, so i will just go ahead believing that. and it was quite nice, in fact. the temperature was perfect and i was serenaded by a symphony of night creatures.
today i met a bunch of spiders in that shower. normally that would cause me grief and paranoia, but i found them to be quite beautiful. and one of those “nasty” green-heads landed on me while i was writing. i breathed and waited for it to bite me and it just sat there on my left hip. i could swear that it was looking at me and waiting for my next move. when i slowly lifted my finger to touch it, it flew away.
now Sumi is being the bug. she is bugging me to do stuff around the house. i am going to go breathe with her and see what happens…