Emotional Life

5.14.12

watashi mo – me too

ma ma – okay

what have i learned midway on my life’s journey?

my left shoulder is all rough and dark and tangled…

and other than that, i see a clearing. the sweet fruits of life are ahead.

what i realized immediately after the first puppet scene, shaking and nervous and a mess, is that i was nervous that Tom was here. and naturally, i suppose. i knew his watchful and sharp eye would be carefully attending to every move to every breath that i made. and thus, i forgot to breathe. but Tom is also the most kind-hearted and understanding and wonderfully genius person (and we have been working together for years now), and so it is strange that, for whatever reason, i felt insecure about my ability to puppeteer.

as i was setting up backstage, i realized— actually i realized this from yesterday and it returned— that at every moment possible, i needed to release. into the floor and into my body.

today i realized that i also, in every possible moment, need to release into the group.

what does this mean exactly? i believe that while i needed to release my body and my tension into the floor, that i need to release my thoughts and my ears into the group.

and so what do i do, when i am not onstage doing (or not doing as it is becoming)…i rely on the group to inform me of where i need to be next. if there is no one readily available to do so (on these rare occasions), i rely on my self. and on my breath.

i close my eyes and i breathe and i ask myself where i need to be. and then i wait for an answer. and then i go there.

once there, i release. i release my back, my hips, my head into the floor. i open my mind and i listen to exactly what is happening in the moment. the soundscape of the show, the words the actors are speaking, the constant drone of the ventilation system, the changes within it, the plane that flies overhead, and the sounds of my own heartbeat. and i don’t react.

if i feel someone coming towards me backstage, i trust that they will either go around me or release into me. they will let me know if they need to be there or when to move on to the next destination.

which brings me back to the first Kumiko puppet scene in the aquarium. while waiting backstage, i got sucked into the vortex of the floor, and into my own thoughts (and possibly neurotic loops), and i got nervous. and i didn’t take my cue to get Kumiko prepared. i heard it and it made me feel weird, like something was off, but i didn’t acknowledge it as being me.

and i am not going to judge myself too harshly. as a result, i was able to let it go mid-scene and recover. i acknowledged it, took a breath, moved onto and released into the next place, the next thing, and the next partner, and the group—and thus, into the show.

in opening up, what started to creep in, was meaning.

i started to hear and started to understand Toru’s journey, my own journey, and the journey of us all.

i am part of this beautiful world, and i release into it.

and then we got puppet notes.

“Emotional life, emotional life!” ~ Tom Lee

fuck. i thought it went well! and i know that Tom is absolutely right.

it could be more…

i now need to release into Tom too. i trust him so completely and so how can i really hear and do exactly what he is saying? what does he mean?

he said that the technique is there. so i need to release my insecurity with idea of technical skill, in order to make room for connections to grow with the puppet and my self between those spaces.

and to begin to connect my self to my breath, to the puppet, to the world.