Giving Over, Not Giving Up

5.16.12

:: Post-Run #1 ::

 what did i learn from that?

giving over to others, mostly. or trusting in my self. and gravity. or all three at the same time…

in Wind-Up Bird, it is becoming clearer and clearer who is driving each scene. in the aquarium it’s Kumiko—it’s me, the puppet, and Ai in harmony. or rather, Ai, the puppet, me. that feels better, less pressure. and when i do that, when i give over to whoever is driving each scene, i get to go along for the ride. it becomes an adventure that we go on together. and at each stop we get out of the car and we let someone else take the wheel…

i really adore our new May Kashahara. i really miss Maureen’s fun-lovin’ energy, but i feel like whatever happened was the best situation for all parties involved. and Kristin is wicked smart and responsible, dedicated and sweet. a total talent and a total joy.

yesterday she said to me, “i can’t believe what contorted positions you are in when you are doing the feet on the Toru puppet. i never noticed before. how did you find those positions?”

i laughed and said, “with time. lots of time. and pain.”

ha. well, that’s the truth of the situation.

and now, with a lot of breath, i am sinking into those places. breathing through the pain and knowing that no matter where my weight is, under me, into others, i can release into that…

i just got a positive note on the Overture. i don’t know that i ever have before. this is evidence that breath is everything—it is the thing, the force, that carries me through the piece. when i let my breath guide me, i find myself exactly where i need to be at exactly the right moment.

what a fucking relief.

Taoism is totally on target. i am so used to doing. as an artist in this culture, we are constantly up against so many odds to support ourselves, to find support in order to keep making the work, and in order to make it, we need to work hard. but i have this right now. this is a tremendous opportunity that continues to grow. i feel this way about many things in my life right now and i need to trust that and just breathe.

when we were deep in contract negotiations in January, Stephen and i had a long Skype conversation where (after many months speaking with producers about my schedule), we were finally able to come to an agreement that we could both work towards giving each other what we need. because for the first time, we were both able to clearly articulate what exactly that is. it was a hard conversation, and each of us had to give a little, but in the end, it ensured happiness on both ends.

in that conversation, Stephen said, “i really hope that this show is rewarding for you all.” it turns out, that it is. after all this time—the 8 years Stephen has put into this process, the months leading up to Edinburgh, the weeks that we are dedicating to Singapore…it is finally starting to feel like we’ve arrived. while i know this is my subjective experience, i can also feel a shift in the energy of the room. we’ve found our world together, in co-existence. it feels like we are committed to this, and to each other. Stephen has always referred to us as a family and, to me, it finally feels like one. and more, we are like the friggin’ Partridge Family—an artistic family touring all around and shaking their tail feathers. we are the Wind-Up Bird Family…

there’s tremendous support and trust in that feeling. that, coupled with the feeling that the show is ours, and that people are really responding to what we are doing, we can really release into that. and now, releasing all that past work, all the old struggle, the old pain, to keep breathing through it until it flows away with the water at the end of each run. and to let go of it in every new moment as well.

so that this crazy performing family can sing-a-song for Singapore! Let the Wind-Up Bird fly!!!


We had a dream, we’d go travelin’ together,
We’d spread a little lovin’ then we’d keep movin’ on.
Somethin’ always happens whenever we’re together
We get a happy feelin’ when we’re singing a song.

Trav’lin’ along there’s a song that we’re singin’
C’mon get happy!
A Whole lot of lovin’ is what we’ll be bringin’
We’ll make you happy!

source: http://www.lyricsondemand.com/tvthemes/thepartridgefamilylyrics.html

: photo from Stacey Yen 

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Written by lobsterbird