Thrust Out into the World

what is today about?

being thrust out into the world on my own…

i remember this feeling from the last time that i came to Singapore and stayed with Tim.

my tendency is to visit Tim right before embarking on a major journey throughout Southeast Asia. so there is always this mixed feeling of excitement and fear whenever i am here.

and Tim is always working—a superb working actor! i am so proud and grateful to be friends with such a talented, hardworking, and generous person such as Tim. he is someone who is very successful doing what he loves. i could only wish this for all people. but because he is so awesome, there is inevitably a time in my stay with Tim when he is working and i venture out into Singapore on my own…

: Working Actor

the first time is always hard. because i inevitably walk out the wrong way and every time i  do, i feel my body and all of its muscles lock into stiffness. how come i never seem to know where i am going? and what if i can’t find the bus stop? and then i have to remember to breathe. i do so and i release into the uncertainty.

Tim has given me such clear direction, and even though his work schedule thrusts me out into the wide open on my lonesome, i feel very well taken care of here. he cultivates a balance for me that is both reassuring and encouraging. it is a microcosm of the balance i feel being in Singapore in general. a place where the East meets the West. a hybrid of difference and familiarity.

again, just as the last time i visited, i had that funny feeling that i could just stay where i was in Tim’s apartment and be happy—a feeling of comfort, with his cats, with his home, my computer, and belongings. i feel like i belong here. that is hard to leave. but it is a false sense of security— i have places i need to be and people i need to meet, and i have to let go of that if i want to make room for the new.

: It’s Hard to Leave This.

and so i am off to meet Nabilah, who is a friend of Abigail’s. Abigail runs Silent Infinite and she is a fairly new collaborator to my world. we started working together a few months ago. Abigail is a photographer expanding into filmmaking, among being an amazing spiritual and creative person in so many other ways. so when she told me that i had to meet Nabilah, i of course, had to “yes, and” her.

so here i go!

and i need a new suitcase. as i get rid of things in my life, i need to carry less and less with me. i did need to bring a bag out with me today to carry my notebook and other essential items, but it is nothing compared to the amount and weight of stuff that i carry with me in New York.

i have decided that my new suitcase will be light and only the size i need (small) for traveling to places like Bali, for which i leave tomorrow. i feel free…and then that makes me nervous. and then i sit on Bus #36 and laugh at myself. and i look up and i see a hotel/casino with a giant boat on top. and i realize that even when i don’t know where i am going (especially when i don’t know?), i know exactly where i am.

: Hilarious Landmark

Other Things:

  • Tim and i got massages last night. i think we both wanted a full treatment, but they only had late appointments and we both needed sleep. so we opted for just a head, neck, and shoulder session. perhaps we didn’t get what we wanted, but maybe we got just what we needed?
  • catching up with Tim – it amazes me to hear us at such different places in our lives than the last time i was here. and yet, it seems to me that somehow we have both arrived at similar places in our lives in many ways—in our relationships with others, our relationships to our selves, and to our art. maybe it is just the nature of growth. another point being, that this is really only the third time i have ever seen Tim. The first was when we met in Saratoga Springs, NY, the second when i came to visit Singapore a year and a half ago, and the third is this time, in Singapore again. (it appears as if he may be due for a journey back to New York.) and all of these meetings have been pretty consistently spaced apart by about two years time. granted the times we have spent together have been pretty intense (training together for a month or living together when i visit), but it still amazes me to be so deeply connected to a person that i see so rarely—connected philosophically, intellectually, and dare one say, spiritually. it’s really special to have people and places scattered throughout the world like that. it makes it much less scary to go out into it.

i start to wonder if i am at the right bus stop. when i got on and asked the driver about the stop that Tim had detailed, he told me to get off at the Capitol Building. (not the name of the stop that Tim had given me.) that worried me a bit. especially since it is already a little bit after the 12:30pm meeting time and i don’t have a cell phone.

isn’t it funny how scary that feeling is to be without a phone? and isn’t it ridiculous considering that over half my life, i didn’t have a cell phone? so this is the way we grew up, the way we learned to find our way—without constant access. we decided on a time and place and then we had to be there. we were more accountable to our words. and we had to trust each other more, and in shared timing in order to be where we needed to be.

maybe that’s part of why it’s so terrifying to be traveling in a foreign country without any portable way to contact others. it brings me back to my youth—a time of complete uncertainty and awkwardness. when we try to figure out who we are and how to get from one point to the next, not really knowing where we are headed and how to get there.

i also kind of love it. it adds a feeling of mystery and urgency to any situation. i feel like everything becomes an adventure. i feel more prepared than ever not to have a cell phone.

i can only hope Nabilah feels the same way…

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Written by lobsterbird