The Process

5.13.12

 

:: archiving my writing from the past and posting from the future ::

 

what have i learned today?

 have i been on a journey yet?

am i more present when i am here writing or less?

when i am writing, i feel like i am able to perceive more and ask better questions.

this morning’s rehearsal was fascinating. i felt it necessary to be honest with my puppet team about my physical/emotional/psychosomatic state instead of pretending that i was okay. and so i laid on the floor and breathed. and i felt that i wasn’t ready. and i told them i needed time. and then i cried. i released into them, possibly frightening them. so they went and started working. and i let them. i released into them and then released them. and then i released into my self and into the Earth. i sat with my self and the tears flowed out and into my ears and out and down my cheeks, into my hair and onto the floor.

i stayed connected to Toshi and Fergus by listening. with my eyes closed, i could still see that they were working with the bamboo poles—all of us connected with our eyes closed.

they came closer and closer. i could hear their footsteps and feel their energy intensifying. i kept asking myself if i was ready. my body answered that it was not. tweaks of pain, more tears, more breath—still unable to open my eyes or come to standing.

when they arrived right beside me, i wondered if i would get stepped on, if they were aware of me too. and then they laughed. it was a huge release. and i laughed with them. and we were all back in the same room.

Fergus asked me if i was able to work with poles. i said, “yes.” and we began.

i have never felt so clearly the moments and movements between myself and Fergus and Toshi—when i could give my weight over to them or when i could get under my own and support my self so that i could take theirs.

i was breathing loud because if i didn’t, i was afraid i would stop entirely.

i have never felt such differences in all of our energy either. Toshi’s was a more active, frenetic energy today, pushing and pulling and ready to move. Fergus’ energy was a more gentle one, giving way more often and making it clear when he needed me to go with him or to pull back. and i practiced not doing and listening, letting them do the doing. and releasing into my puppet team. i asked myself if i trusted them. the answer that came was “yes.” so then can i release into that?

and i did. and we didn’t drop the poles, not once. and when we opened our eyes, we were all on different levels—Toshi was laying on the ground, Fergus was sitting, and i was standing above them. our energies, so different on this day, caused our bodies to be at totally different levels as well. and yet, we came together as a team.

********************************************************************************

a couple thoughts, because time travelers have the uncanny ability to bring their knowledge of the present back to the events of the past:

i just realized that the word “realize” sounds a lot like “release.”

i am a hot mess. the first time i start writing about rehearsals and i am laying on the floor and crying?

i don’t really care, i need to be honest with my self and that is where i was on that day. (spoiler alert: it gets better.)

Related posts:

Written by lobsterbird