Abiding is an in-between experience. Because of that, it gets less attention. It’s not a peak event such as arriving or departing or even an intentional action such as accumulating or releasing. Lacking an obvious drama to pull you in, it is easy to miss or ignore or avoid.

But if you do place your attention on the liminal, allowing yourself to feel the threshold-space of richness of neither here nor there, you discover that this is where the magic happens. It’s when things start to cook.

A good yoga brew is made of the universal elements of heat and exertion, breath, sweaty muscles, and strong bones. In life, these same ingredients show up as tears and love, anger and fear, hope and confusion, sometimes nausea, sometimes heartbreak, sometimes joy.

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Event of a Thread — Day 2

working a shift at night is a totally different feeling.

you would think that i would be used to it, having worked in bars and clubs for so many years that i can’t even count the number on both hands. but even after all this time, it is still easier for me to get it together and get to places on time (early, even) in the morning. at the end of the day, i struggle. perhaps it’s due to the accumulation of energy. maybe depending on how you use it during the day, you’re either slower and more tired, wanting to crash on the couch or you’re amp’d up, full of life and want to expend some of that energy being with your friends and letting loose. while i’ve mostly lived a life of the latter, it feels that these days my body craves the kind of life where i am up with the sun and resting when the creatures of the night make their debut.

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Toshi and i have been friends for 7 years now. we met in Voice & Speech class when i first started acting school at HB Studio and he just moved to the U.S. from Japan. we were friends at first sight even though we never officially hung out that much outside of class. but i believe that we shared a connection and mutual respect for each other’s talents and spirits, and despite wanting to work together, the chance never came up.

we kept in touch super loosely over the years. you know, via Facebook, or seeing each other at shows that we or our mutual friends were in. that was, until about a year and a half ago when he insisted that I audition for the Wind-Up Bird Chronicle.

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i have landed on this planet, i believe it is the present moment

:: 13 hours of tech ::

went something like:

  • wake up at 7am. try to blog and time travel all at once.
  • have awesome complimentary hotel breakfast with the birdies
  • shuttle to the Esplanade at 9:30am.
  • try to be exactly where i need to be in any given moment—including but not limited to: being onstage for tech, being backstage on my computer, releasing into the floor for my body, being in the wings with the Esplanade crew to work through insane transitions/quick changes.
  • lunch at mall food court. delicious and creepy.
  • dragonfruit juice. yes.
  • more of being where i need in the moment. including all of the above plus: eating Malay/Chinese hybrid sweet treats brought to us by the amazing man who works at the theater (must find out his name), brief bouts of bodywork for fellow cast members, manic running back and forth in the ginormous backstage area, tending to broken legs and souls (both human and puppet), smoking a much-needed cigarette with Bob.
  • ouch. body hurts.
  • karada kowaleta – “broken body.” an appropriate expression for today.
  • we eat “Canadian pizza” and Greek salad with our hands.
  • cracking up over our current state of affairs. ibuprofen and a backpack full of Wind-Up Bird Chronicle DVDs.
  • come home to Hotel. hot shower. deal with my hair. sit in front of computer and try to make sense of my life. start to fall asleep with fingers hitting the keyboard. (again.) fail to make sense in any major way. acknowledge that i must prepare for a dress rehearsal/opening night tomorrow. Panic Face? no, sleepy face.
  • assume sleeping position.

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5.16.12

:: Post-Run #1 ::

 what did i learn from that?

giving over to others, mostly. or trusting in my self. and gravity. or all three at the same time…

in Wind-Up Bird, it is becoming clearer and clearer who is driving each scene. in the aquarium it’s Kumiko—it’s me, the puppet, and Ai in harmony. or rather, Ai, the puppet, me. that feels better, less pressure. and when i do that, when i give over to whoever is driving each scene, i get to go along for the ride. it becomes an adventure that we go on together. and at each stop we get out of the car and we let someone else take the wheel…

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5.14.12

watashi mo – me too

ma ma – okay

what have i learned midway on my life’s journey?

my left shoulder is all rough and dark and tangled…

and other than that, i see a clearing. the sweet fruits of life are ahead.

what i realized immediately after the first puppet scene, shaking and nervous and a mess, is that i was nervous that Tom was here. and naturally, i suppose. i knew his watchful and sharp eye would be carefully attending to every move to every breath that i made. and thus, i forgot to breathe. but Tom is also the most kind-hearted and understanding and wonderfully genius person (and we have been working together for years now), and so it is strange that, for whatever reason, i felt insecure about my ability to puppeteer.

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5.13.12

:: archiving my writing from the past and posting from the future ::

what have i learned today?

 have i been on a journey yet?

am i more present when i am here writing or less?

when i am writing, i feel like i am able to perceive more and ask better questions.

this morning’s rehearsal was fascinating. i felt it necessary to be honest with my puppet team about my physical/emotional/psychosomatic state instead of pretending that i was okay. and so i laid on the floor and breathed. and i felt that i wasn’t ready. and i told them i needed time. and then i cried. i released into them, possibly frightening them. so they went and started working. and i let them. i released into them and then released them. and then i released into my self and into the Earth. i sat with my self and the tears flowed out and into my ears and out and down my cheeks, into my hair and onto the floor.

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it is true what they say (whoever “they” are)…starting is the hardest part.

so i will just try to be exactly where i am right now, in this moment, and go from there…

rip off that Band-aid…one, two, three, go!

i am on the brink of ending my first year of grad school. i have one more final exam to take—naturally it happens to be the hardest class for me and we just got it today. it’s Max, the computer programming exam. i am dreading it, even though i know it will be fine. (why do we do that to ourselves? or am i the only one?)

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