“You already have everything you need to be happy.”

Bingo! All of us experience moments of insight that pop up out of nowhere. Maybe it was a matter of time and practice…drip, drip, drip, the bucket fills. Or maybe something more ordinary like boredom or exhaustion or jet lag slows us down long enough to notice.

What I wanted had been there all along, but I was too busy creating my own dukha to notice it. I see that tendency in my students too. They might be sitting nicely in a pose but the space between their eyebrows has a deep crease that tells me they are in pain. When I ask them about it, it’s almost like I woke them up out of a nap. A typical reply might be, “Oh yeah, this position always kills me. It’s been like that for years. I just don’t have good shoulders.”

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5.15.12

connecting breath to the emotion. what does that mean?

i realized after this run that i was finding ways to breathe with Kumiko and as a result, i was starting to find myself in the aquarium.

after that, it wasn’t as easy. mostly because the rest of my scenes are not just with the puppet, but also a whole puppet team.

Fergus is the lead puppeteer, guiding Toru’s head, his thinking. His eyes are what guide his vision and the rest of the body moves to encounter it. and i couldn’t tell how he was breathing. in my newfound world of letting go, i was trying to release into Fergus, release into Kumiko, release into Toru (and the other characters, and the world itself). and to connect the emotion to the breath, i was trying to release into the breath. but i couldn’t find it. it was because i couldn’t find Fergus’ breath. i was trying to listen for it, to see it, to feel it. and i either came up with nothing or i felt confused about how it connected to the emotion.

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5.14.12

watashi mo – me too

ma ma – okay

what have i learned midway on my life’s journey?

my left shoulder is all rough and dark and tangled…

and other than that, i see a clearing. the sweet fruits of life are ahead.

what i realized immediately after the first puppet scene, shaking and nervous and a mess, is that i was nervous that Tom was here. and naturally, i suppose. i knew his watchful and sharp eye would be carefully attending to every move to every breath that i made. and thus, i forgot to breathe. but Tom is also the most kind-hearted and understanding and wonderfully genius person (and we have been working together for years now), and so it is strange that, for whatever reason, i felt insecure about my ability to puppeteer.

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