:: Day Seven Back in NYC – One Week Anniversary! ::

well, it looks like all it took was a night of getting a few drinks, having great artistic conversation, and pushing myself to go to bed a couple hours later than the jet lag time was allowing—and i am back on my usual sleep schedule. i was enjoying the wack-a-doodle times that the jet lag was making me awake, but i don’t think waking up around 1am or 4am is the kind of thing that one can do regularly and be a functioning member of society (for most intents and purposes anyway).

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for most of my life, i had this issue that i thought was a problem: it is really hard for me to focus on one thing at one time.

in school, i had an equal passion for English, Science, Math, History, Photography, and Art classes. they all engaged me in learning. and despite feeling dorky, i liked that.

in sports, i couldn’t just play one thing and excel at it. i had to dance, do gymnastics, play tennis, softball, soccer, field hockey, lacrosse, run track, and i even played “Powderpuff Football” the year that i found out it existed. when i heard that there was a girl on the wrestling team at Pinelands High School in the neighboring town, i begged my parents to let me try out. it wasn’t very often that they flat-out refused to support my wild interests, so i let them have that one. i started skateboarding instead. i tried out for the bowling team, but didn’t make the cut. woops. so i joined the intramural volleyball and swim clubs in my spare time. (which, given this list, i am wondering how i had any of that.) when i got older and started hanging out with the surfers, i would go out whenever someone would let me use their board. i loved to be in constant movement in its myriad of forms.

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On Fear:

(or rather, Off Fear)

usually when i need to use the bathroom that is located 10 meters from my sleeping quarters, i hear that crazy frog and i imagine that someone is going to leap out from behind the glowing purple Buddha and kill me. i start to panic. sometimes in situations like this, i will go so far as to start running (or walking fast to appear as if i am not running. when really, i am).

tonight after i brushed my teeth and washed my face, i entered the open area between the bathroom and the boudoir. i took a deep breath and said to my self, what do you have to be afraid of? look at all this! as i opened my arms and raised my face to the night sky, the cosmos came rushing down to meet me. look at all these stars! clear as if i were in the sky itself! and i kind of am in the sky! i am on the top of a freaking mountain! and the moon…like something out of a painting! and i swear i can see trails of stardust!!!

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i just met Richard, who owns the Bali Mountain Retreat. he moved from Holland to Australia at a young age. he said that he doesn’t necessarily affiliate with the latter country because of its politics and because it never felt like home. i guess no matter how long one lives in a place, sometimes it just never becomes home. and then there are other places that become home in an instant. Richard has been in Bali for the past 8 years, and he basically started the life that i have been dreaming of since starting this leg of the trip.

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Villa Surya Abadi

= House of the Sun Life Forever

~ Wayan, my driver to the Bali Mountain Retreat ~

after a lovely evening with the girls last night, i am on my way to the Mountain!

Karen asked me this morning if i felt nervous…

my answer was no— and i truly feel that. i checked with myself a few times to be sure. and after doing yoga this morning, i feel so centered, breathing into my core…

as i do that, i realize that my belly feels a little wonky…is it the infamous Bali Belly? i should take extra care even though i see those food carts by the side of the road and my heart leaps out to try whatever those fried triangles are and those dishes with the mysterious foreign monikers…

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  • Ease
  • Smoke
  • Mirrors
  • Release
  • Taking joy in being exactly where i am
  • Puppy Time
  • Niblets + Nursing
  • Getting up close with nature
  • Letting go of surfing today, so that i can heal my body for another day
  • Observing Nature, seeing my Self
  • Strange dreams that surely mean something
  • Trusting that one day it will become clear
  • Waiting, Patience
  • Morning wake-up realization that i have all Time
  • Everything i need, i already have
  • It’s all just waiting to be realized
  • But it’s already Real
  • Openness with Focus
  • Craving the Sun
  • Knowing that it too will come
  • With each Breath, a Release
  • Hydration comes in many forms
  • Distance from Connection
  • So that i can remain more fully connected
  • Rest
  • Not needing
  • Just being
  • Here
  • Now
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    it seems that one day is blurring into the next…but in the most beautiful of ways…

    it’s a blur but with the most clarity that i have ever had…

    it comes from compartmentalizing in a way… my collaborator John (of the Night Bears) is a huge “thin-slicer” and compartmentalizer. this used to drive me crazy because i don’t like putting things in boxes and making separate categories (that often leads to labels, which, because of my dual nature, i tend to resist). but i now see the value of both, which i believe in across many situations and circumstances, if not all of them. i am (and have perhaps converted John to) a “devotee of the Church of Both.”

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    it is true what they say (whoever “they” are)…starting is the hardest part.

    so i will just try to be exactly where i am right now, in this moment, and go from there…

    rip off that Band-aid…one, two, three, go!

    i am on the brink of ending my first year of grad school. i have one more final exam to take—naturally it happens to be the hardest class for me and we just got it today. it’s Max, the computer programming exam. i am dreading it, even though i know it will be fine. (why do we do that to ourselves? or am i the only one?)

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