A Ring of Co-Existence

:: it’s been a long time! ::

fitting, somehow, that my last blog post was a repost. i remember actually writing one sometime after and we shall see if i can ever time travel back and squeeze it in.

but maybe it’s happily lost and i don’t need to…

needs. i have been thinking about needs a lot over the past year or so. what do i actually need in any given moment? how does that change in the next one? and how is what i need different from what i want?

one of my very first theater collaborators, Davi Cohen, introduced me to this way of approaching my life and artmaking process. Davi and i became collaborators with a desire to make work together, so we started training in the shared language of Suzuki and Viewpoints. as we evolved, we danced together, made work in unconventional ways, traveled across the country, presented in our home city, went on residency, made movies, ate food together, shared our personal triumphs and challenges, and broached the question:

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Changing Our Selves, Not Otters

coming back to New York is difficult. i have been here a day and a half and already, i am overwhelmed with meetings, work, emails, rehearsals, and more. it comes down to this obsession with time. how can i find enough time in the day to do all these things and do yoga, Suzuki, clean my apartment, learn Japanese, read, fix my broken shower, play the ukulele, and take care of my cats and all of the others in my life: my “otters”? i start to hate New York City because she is not like Bali or my parents’ house or anywhere else.

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Still Here

“Be Here Now.”

i remember these words taped onto the wall behind composer Gerald Busby’s head as we interviewed him for This is My Home: Voices from the Chelsea Hotel.

as he immediately won me and the rest of the gang over with his charm, presence, and the inner light that he exudes with every word and every breath that he makes, i have often come back to that mantra that he holds in his sight on a day-to-day basis.

and so hearing it again on this day, i stayed at my parents’ house even though i was supposed to leave earlier with my sister, Alicia. because, well, i am here now. i was torn about going back to NYC—i have so many obligations to take care of, things to do, people to meet with, and cats to take care of (namely my own). but i mistakenly have someone watching them through today because i was confused as to when i was returning. (i have to wonder, is there any such thing as a mistake? then i remember that Everything We Do is Right.)

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Our Weird and Wonderful Ways

:: A Family Collaboration ::

i have been thinking a lot lately about co-existence. this summer has brought a lot of odd changes to my life and apartment. once a solitary yoga haven where i could write, eat, and create in a void, it is now going to be occupied by a series of other bodies and voices. Toshi will come and live for a time, as will my European artist friends, Zdenka (with her creative partner) and Lorenzo. after three years of living alone (and loving it), this is a big change to my now-quiet lifestyle.

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It Bugs Me Out

:: Fear Continues to Rage On ::

so i did it again. i freaked out because i am afraid of things that aren’t going to hurt me.

last night, i resolved to shower in the outside shower. our inside one is right next to my parents’ room and my mom goes to bed early. so it was a practical decision, but i also decided to overcome the fear of our backyard at night, which has plagued me for as long as i can remember.

i mean, it’s fenced in for chrissakes, and i have a new philoSophie about co-existence with bugs. so i am going to shower out there dammit. this is what i thought, and anyway, the air con inside was making me feel cold and artificial. i am not going to become disembodied by my own fear.

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The Messages from Inside and Out

:: Yoga/Suzuki Revelations ::

we don’t have to be straight all the time!

when i try to “be straight,” i find myself locking into a position rather than fluidly remaining upright.

the key is to release into whatever pose or position i find myself in—straight, crooked, warped and everything in between. because when i think about holding myself straight, that’s exactly what i do: i hold. i hold tension, i hold my breath, and i hold myself in a position that is either not straight at all or else it quickly devolves from straightness because it is not fluid with the movement of my breath.

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The Animal Way

everybody is all a-flutter this morning. (except for Dad—he’s always just kind of swimming along.)

that must be it.

 my parents raised me to be a Lobsterbird.

my mother, lover of birds and flowers and that of the Earth. her energy, while always big, comes in huge bursts (the kind needed to take off into flight). and she is low flier. she flutters around, always busy, always doing…something…

i always thought i was so much my mother’s child.

…and i am. there are so many ways in which we are similar.

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Where We Are in Space

this morning i did yoga outside in the 90 degree heat, bugs swirling all around, sweat profusely dripping off my body…

it was glorious. i practiced for so long, zoning in on my breath, on my center, and moving so slowly that i could gauge where either of them were at most given times. i began to imagine what it would be like doing Suzuki in Toga, based off Tina Mitchell’s description the other night while we were training. the heat, the bugs, the bright and blinding stage lights, having only what one needs to survive. i have never been more ready for something that challenges me so fiercely. i felt a light emanating out from my center and reaching around the world—a battle cry of release into the unknown.

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Animal House

:: what animals did we have growing up? ::

 (created the morning i woke up in my childhood bed)

  • Cats
    • Sammy
    • Whisky
    • Shwabby
    • Nowhere
    • Daigy
    • Gypsy(?)
    • Booger 🙁

    • Dogs
      • Vicky
      • Goldie
      • Roxy

      • Very Large Hermit Crabs (3)
        • Kermit is the only one whose name i remember, and i always wonder if he is still around somewhere since my mom thought he was dead and threw him in the garbage. (turns out he was just molting.)

      • Fish
        • Chinese Fighting Fish
        • Guppies from Uncle Butch
        • Jimena’s Fish when she moved back to Argentina
        • My own Aquarium – Tiger Fish, Neons, Sucker Fish
        • Goldfish
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