Giving Over, Not Giving Up


:: Post-Run #1 ::

 what did i learn from that?

giving over to others, mostly. or trusting in my self. and gravity. or all three at the same time…

in Wind-Up Bird, it is becoming clearer and clearer who is driving each scene. in the aquarium it’s Kumiko—it’s me, the puppet, and Ai in harmony. or rather, Ai, the puppet, me. that feels better, less pressure. and when i do that, when i give over to whoever is driving each scene, i get to go along for the ride. it becomes an adventure that we go on together. and at each stop we get out of the car and we let someone else take the wheel…


Being Moved


connecting breath to the emotion. what does that mean?

i realized after this run that i was finding ways to breathe with Kumiko and as a result, i was starting to find myself in the aquarium.

after that, it wasn’t as easy. mostly because the rest of my scenes are not just with the puppet, but also a whole puppet team.

Fergus is the lead puppeteer, guiding Toru’s head, his thinking. His eyes are what guide his vision and the rest of the body moves to encounter it. and i couldn’t tell how he was breathing. in my newfound world of letting go, i was trying to release into Fergus, release into Kumiko, release into Toru (and the other characters, and the world itself). and to connect the emotion to the breath, i was trying to release into the breath. but i couldn’t find it. it was because i couldn’t find Fergus’ breath. i was trying to listen for it, to see it, to feel it. and i either came up with nothing or i felt confused about how it connected to the emotion.


Emotional Life


watashi mo – me too

ma ma – okay

what have i learned midway on my life’s journey?

my left shoulder is all rough and dark and tangled…

and other than that, i see a clearing. the sweet fruits of life are ahead.

what i realized immediately after the first puppet scene, shaking and nervous and a mess, is that i was nervous that Tom was here. and naturally, i suppose. i knew his watchful and sharp eye would be carefully attending to every move to every breath that i made. and thus, i forgot to breathe. but Tom is also the most kind-hearted and understanding and wonderfully genius person (and we have been working together for years now), and so it is strange that, for whatever reason, i felt insecure about my ability to puppeteer.


The Process


:: archiving my writing from the past and posting from the future ::

what have i learned today?

 have i been on a journey yet?

am i more present when i am here writing or less?

when i am writing, i feel like i am able to perceive more and ask better questions.

this morning’s rehearsal was fascinating. i felt it necessary to be honest with my puppet team about my physical/emotional/psychosomatic state instead of pretending that i was okay. and so i laid on the floor and breathed. and i felt that i wasn’t ready. and i told them i needed time. and then i cried. i released into them, possibly frightening them. so they went and started working. and i let them. i released into them and then released them. and then i released into my self and into the Earth. i sat with my self and the tears flowed out and into my ears and out and down my cheeks, into my hair and onto the floor.



it is true what they say (whoever “they” are)…starting is the hardest part.

so i will just try to be exactly where i am right now, in this moment, and go from there…

rip off that Band-aid…one, two, three, go!

i am on the brink of ending my first year of grad school. i have one more final exam to take—naturally it happens to be the hardest class for me and we just got it today. it’s Max, the computer programming exam. i am dreading it, even though i know it will be fine. (why do we do that to ourselves? or am i the only one?)