:: Day 6 back in NYC ::

today is a new day—a more musical one! the birds are singing alongside the hip hop blasting down my block in Brooklyn.

i woke up at 4:30am and despite some initial annoyance, i decided to channel that energy into a more creative one. i already did some freewriting, logged my weirdo dreams from last night, responded to emails, mused about future travels, cleaned the bathroom (after ensuring that the cats used the toilet properly), wrote a new response piece blog post, and all before 8:45am.

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for most of my life, i had this issue that i thought was a problem: it is really hard for me to focus on one thing at one time.

in school, i had an equal passion for English, Science, Math, History, Photography, and Art classes. they all engaged me in learning. and despite feeling dorky, i liked that.

in sports, i couldn’t just play one thing and excel at it. i had to dance, do gymnastics, play tennis, softball, soccer, field hockey, lacrosse, run track, and i even played “Powderpuff Football” the year that i found out it existed. when i heard that there was a girl on the wrestling team at Pinelands High School in the neighboring town, i begged my parents to let me try out. it wasn’t very often that they flat-out refused to support my wild interests, so i let them have that one. i started skateboarding instead. i tried out for the bowling team, but didn’t make the cut. woops. so i joined the intramural volleyball and swim clubs in my spare time. (which, given this list, i am wondering how i had any of that.) when i got older and started hanging out with the surfers, i would go out whenever someone would let me use their board. i loved to be in constant movement in its myriad of forms.

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:: Day 5 in NYC ::

it is raining. i am not sure that i have a job anymore. i am buried in a pile of applications, forms, and logistics. my cats are following me around and acting like i starved and abandoned them…and then came back with two new cats. i want to be doing something creative and i find myself doing everything but.

and yet, i feel hopeful and productive and so to congratulate myself on overcoming jet lag and the many obstacles that i am facing on my return home, i make myself a homemade Bubble Tea that brought me so much unexpected joy yesterday.

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:: Fourth Day Back in NYC ::

you can imagine my excitement when, in a jet lag-induced depression, i remembered that the Health Food Store around the corner sold Tapioca “Pearls.” so i decided to take my happiness into my own tired and slightly hallucinating hands and decided that i would make my own!

over two hours later, and in the process of steeping some tea, i realized what an utter failure this whole mission has been.

1. not all Pearls were created equal.

: not Large. and not for Bubble Tea.

2. even if i did have the right Pearls, i didn’t have the right Straws.

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On Fear:

(or rather, Off Fear)

usually when i need to use the bathroom that is located 10 meters from my sleeping quarters, i hear that crazy frog and i imagine that someone is going to leap out from behind the glowing purple Buddha and kill me. i start to panic. sometimes in situations like this, i will go so far as to start running (or walking fast to appear as if i am not running. when really, i am).

tonight after i brushed my teeth and washed my face, i entered the open area between the bathroom and the boudoir. i took a deep breath and said to my self, what do you have to be afraid of? look at all this! as i opened my arms and raised my face to the night sky, the cosmos came rushing down to meet me. look at all these stars! clear as if i were in the sky itself! and i kind of am in the sky! i am on the top of a freaking mountain! and the moon…like something out of a painting! and i swear i can see trails of stardust!!!

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driving through the city of Tabanan, i closed the window. there is not good air here. it feels different on my face. this Lobsterbird is becoming so sensitive to these subtle shifts.

< ooh, i meant to put on my Salonpas (which is becoming a sort of travel ritual), and forgot in the hubbub of leaving the Villa. but i just saw a sign (a literal sign in front of a shop) that i should still do it now. >

ahhhhhh, sweet menthol relief.

thank the gods for signs or how else would we be able to navigate through life?

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::: i love my Singaporean friends :::

 it is my last night in Singapore. we met and talked about a lot of things that i really believe could and will happen: seeing Tim in another two years (my return to Singapore? or his turn to come to NYC???), getting a chance to create work or otherwise be in a show with Tim, Nelson, and Wan Ching, having a building where they can come stay and we can train and rehearse, and…i feel that these things can happen.

i call this “building my empire.”

: in Singapore, they shall build their own…

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photo by Abigail Amalton of Silent Infinite http://vision.silentinfinite.com/Leaving-These-Shores

Abigail is from Singapore, now based in New York. while i was meeting her collaborator, Nabilah Husna, here in Singapore today, i found that Abigail had posted the first of a series of photos that we created last month. how perfectly timed, as i connect with a new friend, old friends, and prepare to fly away—to leave the shores of Singapore tomorrow to explore the land and sea of Bali!

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i have landed on this planet, i believe it is the present moment

:: 13 hours of tech ::

went something like:

  • wake up at 7am. try to blog and time travel all at once.
  • have awesome complimentary hotel breakfast with the birdies
  • shuttle to the Esplanade at 9:30am.
  • try to be exactly where i need to be in any given moment—including but not limited to: being onstage for tech, being backstage on my computer, releasing into the floor for my body, being in the wings with the Esplanade crew to work through insane transitions/quick changes.
  • lunch at mall food court. delicious and creepy.
  • dragonfruit juice. yes.
  • more of being where i need in the moment. including all of the above plus: eating Malay/Chinese hybrid sweet treats brought to us by the amazing man who works at the theater (must find out his name), brief bouts of bodywork for fellow cast members, manic running back and forth in the ginormous backstage area, tending to broken legs and souls (both human and puppet), smoking a much-needed cigarette with Bob.
  • ouch. body hurts.
  • karada kowaleta – “broken body.” an appropriate expression for today.
  • we eat “Canadian pizza” and Greek salad with our hands.
  • cracking up over our current state of affairs. ibuprofen and a backpack full of Wind-Up Bird Chronicle DVDs.
  • come home to Hotel. hot shower. deal with my hair. sit in front of computer and try to make sense of my life. start to fall asleep with fingers hitting the keyboard. (again.) fail to make sense in any major way. acknowledge that i must prepare for a dress rehearsal/opening night tomorrow. Panic Face? no, sleepy face.
  • assume sleeping position.

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5.16.12

:: Post-Run #1 ::

 what did i learn from that?

giving over to others, mostly. or trusting in my self. and gravity. or all three at the same time…

in Wind-Up Bird, it is becoming clearer and clearer who is driving each scene. in the aquarium it’s Kumiko—it’s me, the puppet, and Ai in harmony. or rather, Ai, the puppet, me. that feels better, less pressure. and when i do that, when i give over to whoever is driving each scene, i get to go along for the ride. it becomes an adventure that we go on together. and at each stop we get out of the car and we let someone else take the wheel…

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