it is my last night in Singapore. we met and talked about a lot of things that i really believe could and will happen: seeing Tim in another two years (my return to Singapore? or his turn to come to NYC???), getting a chance to create work or otherwise be in a show with Tim, Nelson, and Wan Ching, having a building where they can come stay and we can train and rehearse, and…i feel that these things can happen.
Abigail is from Singapore, now based in New York. while i was meeting her collaborator, Nabilah Husna, here in Singapore today, i found that Abigail had posted the first of a series of photos that we created last month. how perfectly timed, as i connect with a new friend, old friends, and prepare to fly away—to leave the shores of Singapore tomorrow to explore the land and sea of Bali!
i remember this feeling from the last time that i came to Singapore and stayed with Tim.
my tendency is to visit Tim right before embarking on a major journey throughout Southeast Asia. so there is always this mixed feeling of excitement and fear whenever i am here.
and Tim is always working—a superb working actor! i am so proud and grateful to be friends with such a talented, hardworking, and generous person such as Tim. he is someone who is very successful doing what he loves. i could only wish this for all people. but because he is so awesome, there is inevitably a time in my stay with Tim when he is working and i venture out into Singapore on my own…
i have landed on this planet, i believe it is the present moment
:: 13 hours of tech ::
went something like:
wake up at 7am. try to blog and time travel all at once.
have awesome complimentary hotel breakfast with the birdies
shuttle to the Esplanade at 9:30am.
try to be exactly where i need to be in any given moment—including but not limited to: being onstage for tech, being backstage on my computer, releasing into the floor for my body, being in the wings with the Esplanade crew to work through insane transitions/quick changes.
lunch at mall food court. delicious and creepy.
dragonfruit juice. yes.
more of being where i need in the moment. including all of the above plus: eating Malay/Chinese hybrid sweet treats brought to us by the amazing man who works at the theater (must find out his name), brief bouts of bodywork for fellow cast members, manic running back and forth in the ginormous backstage area, tending to broken legs and souls (both human and puppet), smoking a much-needed cigarette with Bob.
ouch. body hurts.
karada kowaleta – “broken body.” an appropriate expression for today.
we eat “Canadian pizza” and Greek salad with our hands.
cracking up over our current state of affairs. ibuprofen and a backpack full of Wind-Up Bird Chronicle DVDs.
come home to Hotel. hot shower. deal with my hair. sit in front of computer and try to make sense of my life. start to fall asleep with fingers hitting the keyboard. (again.) fail to make sense in any major way. acknowledge that i must prepare for a dress rehearsal/opening night tomorrow. Panic Face? no, sleepy face.
giving over to others, mostly. or trusting in my self. and gravity. or all three at the same time…
in Wind-Up Bird, it is becoming clearer and clearer who is driving each scene. in the aquarium it’s Kumiko—it’s me, the puppet, and Ai in harmony. or rather, Ai, the puppet, me. that feels better, less pressure. and when i do that, when i give over to whoever is driving each scene, i get to go along for the ride. it becomes an adventure that we go on together. and at each stop we get out of the car and we let someone else take the wheel…
connecting breath to the emotion. what does that mean?
i realized after this run that i was finding ways to breathe with Kumiko and as a result, i was starting to find myself in the aquarium.
after that, it wasn’t as easy. mostly because the rest of my scenes are not just with the puppet, but also a whole puppet team.
Fergus is the lead puppeteer, guiding Toru’s head, his thinking. His eyes are what guide his vision and the rest of the body moves to encounter it. and i couldn’t tell how he was breathing. in my newfound world of letting go, i was trying to release into Fergus, release into Kumiko, release into Toru (and the other characters, and the world itself). and to connect the emotion to the breath, i was trying to release into the breath. but i couldn’t find it. it was because i couldn’t find Fergus’ breath. i was trying to listen for it, to see it, to feel it. and i either came up with nothing or i felt confused about how it connected to the emotion.
my left shoulder is all rough and dark and tangled…
and other than that, i see a clearing. the sweet fruits of life are ahead.
what i realized immediately after the first puppet scene, shaking and nervous and a mess, is that i was nervous that Tom was here. and naturally, i suppose. i knew his watchful and sharp eye would be carefully attending to every move to every breath that i made. and thus, i forgot to breathe. but Tom is also the most kind-hearted and understanding and wonderfully genius person (and we have been working together for years now), and so it is strange that, for whatever reason, i felt insecure about my ability to puppeteer.