All in the Beginning.

here i am again. at a new beginning. beginning again.

i am back in a familiar place. i am back at grad school. there is a comfort and a joy being back with my PIMA class. some of the characters have changed—we lost Jules to CalArts and we gained new faculty. John, David, Chloe, Jared, and Andrew are no longer teaching us. shedding new light on us are Helen and Jennifer. and we have a new class entering in fresh—some of which are beings that i already know from various walks of life and others that i am excited to feel that way about in the future.

there is a calmness to starting this year. paradoxically, i am already overwhelmed and behind on my classes. i can never just be in grad school for some reason. i can’t stand to leave my super fun job at Santos Party House or not take advantage of the artistic opportunities that have opened before me. The Night Bears are joining forces right at the start of all this for their residency in NYC with Horse Trade Theater. it feels cathartic somehow to return full circle and collaborate on a piece in the first semester. this is how we came together and this is how we will free ourselves to diverge over the course of the next year. of course DanMunk and i will be thesis collaborators with the awesome Tinuade Oyelowo. we are the Robot Immigrants. and we are going to create new worlds of human-robot wonder. but Dan, John, and i are not letting the Night Bears go before spreading some of our electroluminescent light out into the world either. in October, we will be attending Medea Electronique’s Koumaria Residency in Greece where we will create performances for a 3-day international event in Athens called Across the Great Divide—Creative Human-Machine Improvisations. and if you’ve read any of my other writing, then you also know that i can’t ignore my calling to go and study Butoh Robots in Japan. in many ways, the Fulbright application process is a whole other course on academic writing and international relations.

so that’s it. that’s what i’m working on. i think the thing that is keeping this Lobsterbird afloat is that every single thing that i am doing is filled with love and none of it feels disconnected from a shared dream. everything from PIMA to Night Bears to Butoh Robots to writing you feels important and necessary. so i will do it all, letting each one of these processes feed each other.

in this, i feel a sense of tranquility. i no longer feel the need to prove anything to anyone. i have to admit that i succumb to feelings of insecurity when meeting new people and beginning new ventures. i meet that familiar desire to be perceived in some way i think represents me. it makes me act weird instead of allowing me to be present and notice what is before me. i acknowledge that. and i let it go. i’m just too busy to really focus my energy there. i’ve done that before and it’s just too hard to get things done when i am preoccupied with what other people think of me.

all i can do is show up, care for myself and for others, do what i can, let others help when they feel that they can, and let some other force guide us along the way.

which thing will i do next? i will do them all. at once.

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Written by lobsterbird